For many, the concept of self-love might conjure images of tree-hugging hippies or cheesy self-help books. But author, publisher and motivational speaker, Nelisile Shozana says self-love and compassion are key to mental health and well-being.
The driving force behind a successful publishing company with six books (exploring life, relationships, self-confidence, forgiveness and healing) and a newly launched clothing range under her belt, Nelly (as she is affectionately known) is a 36-year-old singleton who walks with her head held high.
She is fiercely passionate about helping people work out what they really want and empowering them to find meaning in their lives.
“I’m an open book and ‘people’s person’. I talk a lot, LOL! But I am passionate about what I do and I am not afraid of any challenge.”
Nelly was born and raised in Pietermaritzburg, but is now a dedicated Durbanite. She has a BA degree in Community and Health Psychology and is a certified life coach. She also spent 11 years in the South African National Defence Force (following her yearning to save the world), until, she says, she realised that chasing her dreams was far more important than chasing bad guys.
“I loved playing games and socialising as a child, until one day I lost a game and everybody made fun of me. I was the joke of the town and I remember that feeling of failure affected me. I stopped playing games, debating at school and refused to participate in anything that involved winning or losing. I developed a major low self-esteem.”
While it was never her dream to work in the defence force, Nelly says she enjoyed both the job and the lifestyle. She learnt punctuality, discipline, unity… and she found peace and forgiveness and began to grasp that there was so much more in life that she wanted and needed to explore.
“The experience opened my eyes and I realised I was not doing anyone any favours by playing small … especially not myself. I wanted to try new things. So, I resigned. I had more important dreams to follow.”
A contributing factor to her struggles was the fact that Nelly had an absent father growing up. She carried a great deal of anger, which she says played a major role in her determination to help others find forgiveness.
“The rejection I faced from my father had a huge effect on my transgression from a child to an adult. I was hurt and bitter and years after he’d passed, I found myself praying for the strength to forgive him. I thank God for my mother who did her best to raise me as a single parent with the resources she had. She is a huge inspiration.”
Her own life challenges, Nelly says, have been the driving force behind her success as an author and a motivational speaker. Her books, entitled ‘Dismissing Excuses’, ‘Single at 34’, ‘A Self-assured Woman’, ‘Failed Relationship Lessons Learnt’, ‘A Perfect Imperfect Me’ and ‘Tales of a Broken-Heart: Forgiveness and Healing’, are all the result of life experiences she’s written about in order to inspire others. Her goal is to help people stop making excuses for living mediocre lives, to get to know themselves and be authentic and to let go of negative experiences from the past and allow for healing.
“I was always looking for love from other people because I couldn’t give myself the love that I deserved. I’ve realised over time, that it begins with me… and it’s called self-love.”
The domino effect of self-love, Nelly says, is self-forgiveness. “If you love yourself, you’ll forgive yourself when you mess up. We are only human.”
As the founder of Intentionally Elegant, which offers publishing, marketing and motivational talks, with a focus on empowering women, Nelly promotes reading and writing through workshops while travelling across South Africa to promote her books, and advocates for the empowerment of women through workshops on self-love and forgiveness.
“I host a number of woman empowerment events that create a platform to talk. I also do one-on-ones. There are so many women out there who stay in unhealthy relationships because they don’t know their worth – something I did too. Where I’m at now in life – still single at 36 but happier than ever – I encourage women to focus on and invest in becoming the best version on themselves, while reminding them that this is not an overnight thing. Realistically speaking, self-love is a journey that never ends.”
Nelly also recently launched a clothing line, called SheKnowz, aimed at women who love shopping, and are not afraid to dress their bodies in a way that boosts their self-esteem.
When it comes to how women can learn to get to know themselves better, Nelly says it’s all about redefining yourself.
“We all play different roles – wife, mother, sister, friend, grandmother, granddaughter, daughter, career woman, but the biggest mistake we make is that we take on these roles but neglect ourselves. Getting to know yourself requires you to have a meeting with yourself and ask yourself these questions: What makes me happy or sad? What makes me tick? Why do I do the things I do? Why am I so easily influenced by people? Psychology says there’s a reason behind every behaviour. Some of the things we do are not who we truly are, some are just a cry for help. You’ll never fully know who you are if you don’t spend time with yourself and do a lot of self-introspection.”
