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<\/p>\nWhile other moms might be looking forward to a day filled with Mother\u2019s Day spoils, mommy Minette Janse van Rensburg is reminded of the gnawing emptiness that came with the passing of her only son.<\/p>\n
No parent is ever prepared for a child\u2019s death. But, when Minette Janse van Rensburg lost her son, Cornel Bekker, around half a decade ago, she had no other option but to make peace with her new reality. Something that still feels rather impossible.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was only 18 years old when he, and his best friend Raymond Olivier had suffocated due to carbon monoxide poisoning in their camping tent. My life was turned upside down \u2026 parents aren\u2019t supposed to bury their child. So many of the dreams and aspirations I had for my son\u2019s future, were just gone, in an instance.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never got to witness him graduate high school or university, start his first job, get married or have children. He never got to experience the joys and challenges of life.\u201d<\/p>\n
And so this mom\u2019s child had taken with him her passions, joys and zest for life. The living room where she once loved to entertain guests had gone quiet, the sewing machine she used to make her own clothes dusty and, Cornel\u2019s favourite dessert never made again.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs a mother, you develop a certain identity, but when it\u2019s suddenly taken away from you, you ask yourself the question \u2026 who am I, without my child? You are forced to start again, from scratch to find yourself, and your place in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n
As a clinical psychologist, Minette acknowledges that a mom so desperately wants to cling to that identity. And so a bereaved mommy might tend to continuously relive those memories, since it\u2019s the only place she still gets to be a mother \u2013 if she doesn\u2019t have other children, that is.<\/p>\n
While she deems it important to honour your child often by delving into your fondest memories of them, she warns that it\u2019s also easy to fade away into the person you once were. Becoming reluctant to grow and move on. Although easier said than done, she encourages mothers in the same shoes to at least try, to still focus on their own healing and growth.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven though it\u2019s different when you still have other children, it doesn\u2019t make it hurt less. It\u2019s often compared to a nail being pulled out of your finger. Just because you still have nine fingernails left, doesn\u2019t make it any less painful \u2026 and people need to understand that.\u201d<\/p>\n
While highlighting the importance of looking after yourself, she adds that, taking the time to rest and recover is an absolute must.<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember just staying at home, in my bedroom, for weeks. Which is all right, too. I just wasn\u2019t able to go to work because I was just so exhausted, and couldn\u2019t even think straight. And that\u2019s the thing with feelings. You can\u2019t avoid them \u2026 you simply have to sit with them, and let them pass.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cIn this time, I also discovered the benefits of the regulated use of anti-depressants. It doesn\u2019t take away the pain, it just takes off the edge. Even if it\u2019s just to help you get out of bed some days. The truth is, you never really heal fully from the death of a child, but you do learn to cope with it better. So, remember to give yourself time, and don\u2019t be too hard on yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
Slowly by surely Minette started using her pain for good. Having always had a passion for children, she opened the Cornel Bekker Self-Development Centre in Krugersdorp for both school-going children and parents wanting to better their parenting techniques.<\/p>\n
Another way she fondly honours her son is through a Facebook page dedicated to keeping his legacy alive. She frequently posts pictures and memories of Cornel, and admits that this has helped tremendously with her healing process.<\/p>\n
She also had two memorial benches erected \u2026 one at the dam where he had died, and another at his favourite holiday destination, which friends and family visit each year on New Years Eve.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are many ways to remember our deceased loved ones. But what I found is most important is simply to talk about them. You have to be able to share your thoughts and memories with someone who truly listens. For instance, I will always want to talk about how neat Cornel was, his good manners and how close we were right up until the end.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am still so thankful for having had the opportunity to raise a child and give him everything a mother is supposed to give her child. It really was just wonderful. And I wouldn\u2019t have had it any other way.\u201d<\/p>\n
Since Mother\u2019s Day can make any bereaved mother feel like her chest\u2019s too heavy to carry, Minette would like to encourage all these mommies to be extra good to themselves on that particular day.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo something that\u2019s good for you! If you want to stay in your room and read a book, so be it. If you want to watch a specific film, eat certain foods or visit a certain place, just do it! Just because your child isn\u2019t there anymore, doesn\u2019t make you any less of a mother or less worthy of Mother\u2019s Day spoils. And, if you\u2019re lucky enough to still have children, celebrate the day with them \u2026 be present and just appreciate life with them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Details: Follow Cornel Bekker Selfontwikkelingsentrum on Facebook.<\/em><\/p>\n Special ways to honour your child:<\/strong> The do\u2019s and don\u2019ts when comforting a grieving parent:<\/strong><\/p>\n Do\u2019s:<\/strong> Don\u2019ts:<\/strong> Compiled by: ALANICKA LOTRIET.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" While other moms might be looking forward to a day filled with Mother\u2019s Day spoils, mommy Minette Janse van Rensburg is reminded of the gnawing emptiness that came with the passing of her only son. No parent is ever prepared for a child\u2019s death. But, when Minette Janse van Rensburg lost her son, Cornel Bekker, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":121,"featured_media":16339,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,20],"tags":[5770,3598,5953,5952,455,5423,5950,5769,5949,4399,4022,1294,5951,5954,5626],"class_list":{"0":"post-16336","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-people","8":"category-personalities","9":"tag-alanicka-lotriet","10":"tag-child","11":"tag-cornel-bekker","12":"tag-died","13":"tag-get-it","14":"tag-loss","15":"tag-lost","16":"tag-magazine","17":"tag-minette-janse-van-rensburg","18":"tag-mom","19":"tag-mother","20":"tag-mothers-day","21":"tag-only-son","22":"tag-self-development-centre","23":"tag-west"},"yoast_head":"\n
\n\u2022 Set up a memory corner in your home, with pictures and special belongings of your child. You can even add some gifts he or she may have given or made for you. Anything that sparks those cherished memories.
\n\u2022 Get together with family and friends on special days such as their birthday, and enjoy some of their favourite meals. But, remember to keep it personal. For instance, if they enjoyed spending time at a dam, you can make a special floating wreath, and release it on the water.
\n\u2022 Erect a memory bench, if there was a specific place they really enjoyed spending their time. Finish it off with a plaque that includes their names, surnames and a short message.
\n\u2022 Create a social media platform to share photos and memories, and have loved ones share theirs as well.
\n\u2022 Donate a granite slab to your child\u2019s school so that each child\u2019s name who\u2019s passed on can be engraved on it, and remembered by the teachers and learners.
\n\u2022 Talk about your child! When something reminds you of him or her, say it aloud. Ask your friends and family to respect this need, and join in the conversation.
\n\u2022 Light a candle and let their light continue to shine. This can be every day, once a week, month or for every special occasion.<\/p>\n
\n\u2022 When visiting, bring something to eat. Even if it\u2019s just a small snack. Serving guests is the last thing on the family\u2019s mind \u2026 make it easier for them so they don\u2019t have additional stress to cope with. They might also not be emotionally capable of preparing a meal or completing other household tasks for that matter. Your meal or snack will go a long way!
\n\u2022 Ask questions. Ask about what had happened to the deceased child or family member. Ask how the parents are feeling and what they\u2019re going through. Don\u2019t be scared to talk about these things.
\n\u2022 Really listen. To actively listen, is the biggest gift you can give a grieving mom, or dad.
\n\u2022 Consider gifting the bereaved mom a book about how to deal and cope with a child\u2019s death. But don\u2019t expect her to read it right away. She will open it when she\u2019s ready.
\n\u2022 Say the deceased person\u2019s name. There\u2019s nothing more beautiful for a parent than their son\u2019s or daughter\u2019s name.<\/p>\n
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t take over the household. Be mindful of the mourning family\u2019s privacy.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t talk about your own annoyances, or family members who have passed away.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t give advice and don\u2019t tell the grieving parents how to mourn. It\u2019s a very personal process and varies from person to person.
\n\u2022 Never tell the parents they have to put the past behind them and move on with on with their lives. You are not in their shoes.<\/p>\n