What’s Said and What’s Understood
Shirley Pearson, business coach at ActionCOACH, shares her insights on communication.
Can I be honest with you?”
That sentence almost never means something good is coming.
A friend of mine used it recently while telling me about an argument he’d had with his wife. According to him, he’d been completely clear and perfectly reasonable. According to her, he’d been dismissive, impatient, and impossible to talk to.
“What exactly did you say?” I asked. “I said, ‘Let’s not overcomplicate this — we just need to decide.’” No prizes for guessing how that went down.
To him, it felt efficient, calm, and practical. To her, it probably felt as though the conversation had been shut down before she’d had the chance to explain how she felt.
And that’s the interesting thing about communication.
Most of us assume that because we said something clearly, it was understood clearly. But communication doesn’t work that way. What people hear is shaped as much by how they process information as by the words being used.
One person wants the quick version, while the other starts with, “Okay, but first let me explain what happened before that.” One person feels the issue has already been solved, while the other is still trying to feel heard. One wants an immediate answer, while another says, “Can I think about it and come back to you?”
Before long, both people are convinced the other one is terrible at communicating.
The irony, of course, is that neither of them is. They’re simply communicating in the way that makes the most sense to them. The challenge is that what makes sense to us doesn’t necessarily make sense to the person listening.
That’s where tools like DISC become useful. DISC provides a practical framework for recognising different communication styles and understanding how to adapt our approach so that our message is more likely to be heard, understood, and acted upon.
Once you become aware of those differences, you have a choice. You can continue communicating in the way that feels most natural to you, or you can make small adjustments that make it easier for the other person to receive the message.
That awareness can have a remarkable impact. Communication isn’t really about talking; it’s about what is heard. It’s about helping another person understand an idea, make a decision, solve a problem, or move into action.
When people try to improve communication, the instinct is often to increase it — more conversations, more meetings, more updates. Sometimes that helps, but more often than not, there is already plenty of communication taking place.
The real opportunity lies in improving its quality — how well it is understood, how clearly it lands, and how effectively it drives action.
Whether we’re leading a team, raising children, serving customers, or simply trying to be understood by the people closest to us, better communication matters. When communication improves, conversations become easier, misunderstandings reduce, decisions become clearer, and relationships become stronger. And that’s something that matters whether you’re sitting in a boardroom, around a dinner table, or anywhere in between.
Details: www.actioncoach.co.za/coach/actioncoach-inala.
