You know they’re coming, but are the terrible twos and threes really as dreadful as everyone says?
While there is some truth to the rumblings about the so-called terrible twos and threes, they really don’t have to be so awful. All you’ll need are a few tantrum-taming tactics, a sense of humour and a big dose of understanding and compassion. South African educator Clarissa Louw shares the deal about this stage of toddlerhood.
“As challenging as it is, the most effective approach is to embrace the twos and threes with open arms, recognising that this phase marks a significant milestone in a child’s journey towards independence and self-awareness. It is a time when toddlers begin to realise that they are separate individuals with their own thoughts, desires, and emotions. This newfound awareness of self inevitably leads to a desire for autonomy and a natural inclination to explore and assert themselves in their environment.”
Clarissa says that understanding the underlying motivations behind the twos and threes is crucial in effectively supporting children through this transformative stage.
“Rather than viewing their behaviour as inherently negative, we should recognise that it stems from a fundamental need to express themselves and exert control over their surroundings. By reframing our perspective, we can approach these challenges with empathy and patience, fostering a supportive environment where children feel empowered to navigate this journey of self-discovery.”
So, how can we effectively navigate the terrain?
“It is essential to establish clear and consistent boundaries while allowing room for exploration and autonomy. Setting limits provides children with a sense of security and structure, while also helping them understand acceptable behaviours.” However, Clarissa says, it’s equally important to offer opportunities for choice and independence whenever possible. “By allowing children to make decisions within safe parameters, we empower them to develop critical decision-making skills and a sense of agency over their lives.”
The twos and threes also bring new ways of socialising, children start to interact more with peers. Providing opportunities for socialisation, such as playdates or structured activities, can help them learn important social skills like sharing, taking turns, and empathy.
“Fostering open communication and validation of emotions is paramount in helping children navigate the turbulent waters at these ages, which are a challenging time for them too. Toddlers may struggle to articulate their feelings verbally, leading to frustration and outbursts,” says Clarissa who adds that by providing a supportive environment where emotions are acknowledged and validated, we help children develop emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms for managing their feelings in healthy ways.
Additionally, creating a stimulating and enriching environment filled with opportunities for exploration and discovery, can help channel your toddler’s boundless energy and curiosity in constructive ways. “Providing age-appropriate activities and materials that encourage hands-on learning and experimentation not only keeps children engaged but also fosters cognitive and motor skill development.”
Ultimately, she says, navigating the twos and threes requires a delicate balance of guidance, patience, and understanding.
“By recognising the underlying motivations behind children’s behaviours and providing a nurturing environment that supports their autonomy and exploration, we can transform the terrible twos and threes into a time of tremendous growth and opportunity for both children and caregivers alike.”
Here are some practical strategies parents can employ to help their children navigate temper tantrums during this critical stage of child development:
Stay Calm: It’s natural for parents to feel frustrated or overwhelmed when faced with a tantrum, but staying calm is key. Take deep breaths and try to remain composed. Your child will pick up on your emotions, so modelling calmness can help diffuse the situation.
Validate Feelings: Acknowledge your child’s emotions and let them know that it’s okay to feel upset. Use phrases like, “I see that you’re feeling frustrated” or “It’s okay to be upset”. Validating their feelings helps them feel understood and can prevent escalation.
Offer Choices: Providing choices empowers children and can help prevent tantrums before they start. Offer options within reason, such as asking if they’d like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt, or if they’d prefer apples or bananas for a snack.
Use Distraction: Sometimes, redirecting your child’s attention can help diffuse a tantrum. Offer a new activity or toy to shift their focus away from what was upsetting them.
Set Clear Expectations: Establishing routines and boundaries can help reduce tantrums by providing predictability and structure. Let your child know what is expected of them and stick to consistent rules.
Offer Comfort: Sometimes, all a child needs is a hug or some reassurance. Offer physical comfort and verbal reassurance to let them know you’re there for them.
Stay Consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to managing tantrums. Be consistent in your responses and consequences, so your child understands the expectations and knows what to expect.
Practice Positive Reinforcement: Praise your child when they handle situations well or express their emotions calmly. Positive reinforcement can encourage desired behaviours and reinforce healthy coping mechanisms.
Take a Time-Out: If your child is having a particularly intense tantrum, it’s okay to take a break. Step away from the situation if possible and give both you and your child a chance to calm down before addressing the issue. Time-out also applies to you! Taking care of a toddler can be physically and emotionally demanding. Parents and caregivers need to prioritise self-care, whether it’s through regular breaks, engaging in hobbies, or seeking support from others.
Seek Support: Parenting can be challenging, especially during the terrible twos and threes. Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals if you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to handle a situation.
