How stunning does Kim Kardashian look? In Every. Single. Picture. Here’s the thing though … we all know that she doesn’t wake up like that. She wasn’t even born like that. And no one knows better than Michelle Roniak that chasing that perfection – through Botox, surgery or anything else – doesn’t always end well.
Michelle has documented her own journey of the pursuit of perfection in her recently released book, Undone. It makes for pretty harrowing reading for anyone who has ever wished that their nose was just a little more pert or their thighs that much thinner, because that’s how Michelle started out … bingeing and purging, then starving herself to reach her goal weight. When that didn’t work to silence the nagging voice that has, since childhood, told her she’s not good enough, she turned to surgery. Her first operation was a boob job at age 21.
“It was everything I’d hoped for. It gave me the first delicious taste of how cosmetic surgery could make me like myself that much more,” she recalls. That was just part of a series of escapes she tried to make herself feel better, from crazy partying to an ongoing search for Mr Perfect, culminating in liposuction when she was 39.
This time, far from making her feel like a goddess, the results of the surgery were downright disastrous. Michelle watched as her body reacted to the procedure in ways her surgeon couldn’t explain, with everything from her neck to her breasts ballooning and her sweat glands becoming overactive. Cue a massive depressive episode and thoughts of suicide which, unexpectedly, gave rise to a life-changing epiphany.
“After the surgery, I was too depressed to leave my house. For a long time, I did nothing but watch documentaries, one after the other, about people who had gone through traumas that had left them with serious physical deformities. And that got me thinking. How was it that these people were able to continue, grateful for the lives they had, after being maimed, while I was fixated on flaws that my rational mind understood no one besides me was able to perceive?” Michelle says.
Unravelling her thoughts, she realised that her inability to see herself as she really is was preventing her from living the life she wanted. But this was followed by an even more painful realisation … there are literally thousands of people living with the same problem (technically termed body dysmorphic disorder), without being aware that this is pathological. Worse still, there is no platform for them to discuss what they are going through.
That’s one of the reasons she wrote Undone. Telling her story has been difficult, she says, not only because she battled to put complex emotions into words, but because she understands that publicly baring her soul exposes her to more of the blame and shame that she has carried throughout her life. So why do it?
“Because someone needs to talk about these issues,” Michelle says simply. In an age of Instagram and Ozempic, it’s almost inevitable that none of us feel that we measure up, and Michelle wants to shed a spotlight on what can happen if we allow our insecurities to get the better of us. “If I can make one young girl stop to think, and change how she feels about herself, it’s all been worth it,” she says.
More than that, she also wants to tell people that it is possible to recover from a situation where the darkest, bleakest moments give way to something more optimistic. “I lived my whole life with a fear of not being perfect. I still feel that way, but now I’m able to ask myself, ‘Ok, so what’s the worst if I’m not perfect?”
She cites a recent example, where she planned to swim the Robben Island crossing in skins. Sadly, weather did not permit – but where once Michelle would have told herself she’d let herself down and that she is never able to get anything done, she was able to appreciate that some things are beyond her control, and that she had gained as much from the early morning training sessions as she would have from completing the challenge. “It really isn’t about the destination. Getting up at 5am to swim in the Cape water during winter is a great way to prepare yourself for overcoming difficult situations.” In fact, she harnessed the resilience and strength built up during this time to prepare for the daunting prospect of her book launch.
“My inner narrative has changed completely. Instead of punishing myself, I am forgiving, nurturing, compassionate. I know that I don’t need to be perfect … I can admit to myself that simply doing something that I’m fearful about is an achievement in itself. I’ve come to understand that I have to be uncomfortable to be comfortable. Everything I have gone through has shown me that your reality is inside your head. If you can change the way you think, you can change that reality.”
Michelle’s blueprint for self-love
• Have the awkward conversations. “Let go of the taboos around the things you feel insecure about.”
• Understand that aesthetics probably isn’t the answer to ‘fixing’ whatever you feel is wrong with you. That answer lies in changing your mindset –
so do the work.
• Think about the reality you have curated. “We’re so influenced by social media, our friends and the celebrities we follow. Consider what they stand for and how they make you feel.”
• Find joy in the world around you … spend time in nature, switch off your phone, and look for a way to find stillness in your day. “Your soul is full of the gems you need to shine. You don’t need to look outside to find them – rather excavate them and let them see the sun.”
Undone: Healing from Botched Cosmetic Surgery memoir, R330 from Exclusive Books.
Article by Lisa Witepski. Photo by Megan Brett.
