Kuda and Betserai Zumbika first met at University in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. While
Betserai cannot pinpoint anything specific about the occasion, Kuda has often told her
he decided then and there she would be his wife someday.
Kuda was spot on, and after 23 odd years the couple are happily married with four beautiful children, Joshua (15), Elishua (13), Felicity (9) and Anashe (8). Making a relationship work, especially with the daily stresses of work, children and running a household, can sometimes be challenging, but it isn’t impossible, as this busy couple can attest to. It’s not all about bells and whistles and the perfect romance, it’s about quality time spent together, taking your other half’s feelings and opinions into consideration, trust and the occasional romantic dinner or going for a walk together.
Kuda, a civil engineer, and Betsi, a quantity surveyor, share an office, so both work and home time is spent together in Mbombela. “I would like to say upfront that while we do spend a lot of time together,” Betsi says, “that time is not always first-rate or exceptional in nature, but we try to aim in that direction. There are various levels of intimacy; intellectual, financial, romantic and sexual, and the chances of not connecting in any other way other than business or intellectual intimacy is highly likely when you work so closely together. As a couple, we have deliberately set aside an evening that we can connect in other ways.
The kids know that on these days they excuse us earlier. It means no phone, either.”
Kuda agrees, adding that any conflict is due to all the roles that the couple fulfil. “We sometimes engage intensely as co-workers, and some days as coministers and obviously as parents, and subtly, our engagement as husband and wife, as friends and as best friends, becomes less prominent. We do endeavour to get it right and we prompt each other when we realise that the boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic is under strain. We try to give ourselves one night a week for date night, however, sometimes, one or both of us are so tired and the night doesn’t pan out the way we would like it to.” This is why understanding that love is unconditional – and does not rely on performance – is the key to a healthy marriage, and it takes effort on both sides.
Continually nurturing this love by affirming it is one the most important things the couple do to keep their relationship strong and healthy, along with establishing themselves in the
love of God, which Kuda believes is what allows people to love and accept each other. “Spending time, money and energy – intentionally and with meaning – on each other is important, as is settling any conflict that we inevitably face, even if this means agreeing to disagree, respectfully,” says Betsi. Kuda adds that when it comes to making a marriage work over the long term, the important thing is for each partner to receive love. You cannot
give what you do not have, and when one receives perfect love, they are able to extend that love to their spouse. “It is a love that you choose. You choose to love them, they don’t earn it. You love without conditions and without it depending on appearance, because this can change, or social status can, because this too is fleeting,” he explains.
Betsi nods, adding that just being together, regardless of what we are doing, and having a good laugh is an important aspect in any relationship. “We love to share stories, and have
recently discovered the pleasure of walking, an activity we intend doing every day,” smiles Kuda. You need to always remember who you are to each other, with humour, friendship and love. “Kuda still calls me ‘girlfriend’ even today,” laughs Betsi, “and that feeds our
friendship, while keeping the fire of our love alive.”
