As we edge closer to Mother’s Day, whether we are mums or not, most of us reflect on how we have been affected by the role of motherhood through our own mums – by the pain of their loss or the impact of their presence. This is Hanrie Lues’ story.
When I think back to my mom when I was a child, I have very few memories of her smiling. My dad and I were absolutely inseparable, but I grew up always feeling disconnected from my mom, often thinking it was my fault; that I had done something to make her reject me. It took me a very long time to understand that she suffered from chronic depression and that I wasn’t to blame. Even so, as an only child especially, it affected me every day,” says Hanrie, a popular and well-liked figure in the bridal world and a mixed media artist in her spare time.
“I learned very quickly that I couldn’t depend on her for emotional or physical support, and by the time I reached adulthood, I’d pushed aside any desire to be a mom because of how her depression shaped my childhood.”
It was only after finding love, getting married and having a miscarriage a few years ago that Hanrie realised, for the first time, how desperate she was to have a family.
“The day my daughter Phoria was born and they placed her in my arms, time stopped. I will always remember how the realness of motherhood became overwhelmingly evident. I was overjoyed to be a mother but desperate to break the generational patterns, keep her safe from this world and anything that might threaten to take her childhood from her.”
Little did Hanrie know that Phoria’s arrival would not only change her world, but also soften her heart and ultimately give her renewed purpose. She became determined to provide Phoria with the life she deserved.
“The harder I worked the more I realised that all of the things that I wanted for her, I suddenly started wanting for myself. That realisation changed everything, setting into motion another series of new beginnings that started when I chose to break free from places where I felt I couldn’t be the best me – not only for my daughter, but for me as well.”
Hanrie’s fresh start has also turned out to be one of her toughest battles, because it involved a divorce, a move to Hilton (although she regularly drives into Durban for work as the owner and designer behind Hanrie Lues Bridal) and navigating single motherhood and entrepreneurship.
“Getting up at 4.50am to prepare lunches, pack school bags, get us both dressed, make sure Phoria eats breakfast, then do the school run, followed by gym and work, really has me on my toes.”
While work consists of seeing clients, fittings and consultations, fabric shop trips, social media, admin, sewing, cutting, pinning lace and errands for home, Hanrie is grateful Phoria, who’s now six, thrives on extra murals, giving Hanrie enough time to accomplish what she generally needs to in a work day before she needs to pick Phoria up, tackle homework, dinner, bath and bedtime.
“I finally have some downtime at about 7.30pm. But some nights I have to work in order to catch up on deadlines. On weekends I try to see family and friends, because I’ve realised that if I don’t balance work with living life, I fall victim to bouts of insane anxiety and burn-out.
“Fortunately, my family and my incredible partner, Daniel, have helped me find the strength to pick myself up.”
The hardest part of her divorce and starting a new life as a single mum, Hanrie says, was making sure Phoria still felt truly loved and safe.
“Creating a happy home for her, so she would still experience enough emotional security to thrive is important to me.”
Because of the strained relationship with her own mom, Hanrie intentionally tries to nurture a very deep bond with Phoria who loves giving hugs, making people laugh, sharing stories and consoling her friends when they get hurt or are sad.
“She’s a kind and caring soul who has tackled life with excitement and very little fear. Watching her grow into the beautiful little human she’s becoming, appreciating how she sees and experiences the world and being continuously surprised by her resilience and emotional maturity, has given me faith that I am doing okay in my role as her mom. My only hope is that she will retain these attributes and continue to be her courageous and reliant self.”
Hanrie recalls one of the few pearls of wisdom her mum shared with her while she was still at school, “she urged me to enjoy my childhood, for as long as possible and to not want to grow up too quickly. Kids of today are exposed to so much more than we were 40 years ago. It scares me, but I am trying to instil values in Phoria that will equip her against the things that are harmful. I won’t be able to shield her from it all – she is fiercely independent and head-strong, so it’s not always easy to guide her and I can’t say I’m looking forward to the attitude that comes with teen years, heaven help me, but I won’t stop trying!”
With Mother’s Day around the corner and a partner who adores Phoria, Hanrie looks forward to spending the day with family, eating delicious food and making beautiful memories.
“My childhood memories of Mother’s Day are a little gloomy, and I do feel sad for the years I had no real connection with my mom, as we only started getting along when I was older. My parents have passed since but I don’t believe in regrets. I live life with the point of view that everything we experience, both good and bad, shapes us into the people we become. I am Phoria’s mom because of this.”
As far as Mother’s Day spoils go, Hanrie says “Show me a mom who doesn’t love getting gifts! But those that stand out for me will always be the thoughtful presents – the inexpensive but carefully chosen gifts, or the ones hand-made with love during school and delivered in surprise-style the morning of. When I think about it, pure sunshine in human form is all I really need. Phoria is the reason I have kept my business afloat, maintained my health and never given up on finding a partner who would add positively to both of our lives. She is too small to understand, but one day I will share with her how being her mom saved my life.”
