Born in the long shadow of apartheid, John and Ntombi Carneson’s forbidden love refused to wither. As a matter of fact … it flourished.
By putting aside their differences, John and Ntombi made room for a lifetime of unconditional love. But, to understand their story, we must first grasp their past.
Author John remembers his childhood as a time of uncertainty, stress and fear. Since his parents were dedicated anti-apartheid activists, the impact of the persecution of his family was severe. The jailing of his dad, followed by increased threats to his mom, led to the family, one by one, leaving home to start a new life in London.
Ntombi grew up in poverty, in a small town in KwaZulu-Natal and later moved to Eswatini and then Mozambique to complete her schooling career, refusing to let her circumstances define her future.
While John spent his years getting his honours in Sociology, and teaching in various countries, his future wife, Ntombi, was studying catering and housekeeping in Zambia.
Little did they know they would meet some years later at a college in Tanzania.
“I was approached by the African National Congress to teach at the Solomon Mahlangu Freedom College they were building at the time. It wasn’t long before Ntombi arrived at this very college to set up modern kitchens.”
When they met each other, something sparked … the efficient Ntombi graciously took charge of the dreamy John, and there was no turning back. Before long they got married and had their first child, Busisiwe.
In the years that followed they welcomed their second child, Sipho, into the world. John obtained his PhD, accepting more challenging positions within the education system, pursuing a midlife career change and holding increasingly senior government positions, up until his retirement.
In the second half of her life, Ntombi went on to obtain a post in the defence force, and rose to the rank of lieutenant colonel in the South African medical health service. She became… quite literally… a force to be reckoned with.
Astounded by his wife, and how their love endured countless challenges, John decided to capture their experiences in his book – The John and Ntombi Story: A Memoir of their Life and Times, launched just as they are about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
He writes vividly and with humour about how they fell in love and how their love survived, despite state capture, Covid and conflicting personalities and priorities. Their backgrounds and family histories are revealed as the book unfolds … a love story for our troubled times.
They told us more about their unique bond.
What’s the dynamic of your marriage like?
John: Our relationship is best compared to a grain of sand that enters an oyster. The irritation caused by a grain of sand forces the oyster to secrete layer upon layer of pearl around the grain. The irritation diminishes, but never ceases as the pearl itself takes up space within the oyster. I irritated Ntombi when we met and I still do. But somehow, a thing of beauty was created.
Ntombi: We’re both just very supportive of one another. Since we’ve always been passionate people, committed to our work, we grant each other that space to grow and become the best versions of ourselves. And that’s what brought us closer.
What attracted you to one another?
John: She had vitality and positivity, expressed through her eyes and manner. She looked at me as another human being rather than a sloppy, hairy, exile who was white.
Ntombi: He didn’t see my colour, he saw me for who I was. It also took some time for me to realise he’s quite harmless. With time, it’s his friendliness and dedication towards his work that I came to value highly. He was willing to build his life with me from complete scratch.
Your favourite pastime together?
John: We hardly have any free time, except when we travel abroad or go on weekends away with family. Ntombi is endlessly busy and creative with mending, experimenting with food and plants, or on the phone instructing and educating long-distance family members. I do the same, but related to reading, writing, contract work, photography and video, among other interests.
Ntombi: Since I have undergone three spinal treatments recently, I simply take joy in having my lovely hubby and children with me, just talking about anything that comes to mind.
How do you make two different cultures work?
John: It is most definitely common values that hold us together. Ntombi is essentially family-centred and I am centred in ideas and changing the world. I also found that she has been managing our cultural differences for decades and judged the time right to give me more access to her world, which I found fascinating and fulfilling.
Ntombi: It’s about giving and taking – marrying into a different culture is work on its own, so you have to make sure it’s balanced. But, above all else, you have to respect the other person and their culture.
How do you handle criticism from outsiders?
John: Because our relationship was rooted in exile, love and the struggle, we only thought of ourselves as an interracial couple when others commented or attacked us. A key line in the book is our eight-year-old daughter, Busi, realising how South African society defined us. I wrote the following …
“She came up to the car, looking disturbed and said ‘You are white, mom is black, and I am coloured’. My heart broke, and I deeply regret not knowing what to say.
But Ntombi and I have always resolved even our most intense arguments about developments, thanks to our common values and deep love for one another.
Ntombi: I will always stand up for us, in a very respectful manner. I know that someone else’s criticism is rooted in their own hate and insecurities. And so, I don’t feel angry, but rather sorry for someone who can’t accept someone else’s happiness, and what it might look like for them.
What do you appreciate most about your partner?
John: That she shares so many of my gran’s traits. They are the kind of women who work from dawn to dusk to build their families. They always get things done, whatever it takes in time and energy. They can plot quietly for years to build a house or a person, brick by brick.
Ntombi: He’s always laughing and he’s such a giving person. Sometimes I have to remind him it’s okay to put himself first every once in a while. He will always bend over backwards for people, and he’s just such a good teacher for anyone who wishes to learn from him.
How has your partner grown into the person they are today in spite of life’s challenges?
John: Ntombi acquired new skills through moving form suburb to suburb… from moving furniture to forming meaningful relationships with all our neighbours. And, after fighting her way into the army, I got to witness her leadership and social skills emerge. She rose to be a lieutenant colonel. After retirement and through writing the book I discovered that she had many depths and talents I was hardly aware of.
Ntombi: His general understanding has grown tremendously. He has become so committed to his country, and teaching his students. I always say my husband belongs to everybody – in all the best ways. He has such a big heart and I will always love him for that.
You’ll find The John and Ntombi Story: A Memoir of their Life and Times (published by The Grasped Image) at Exclusive Books, amazon.com and kobo.com for around R250. Details: Follow thegraspedimage on Insta and Facebook.
TEXT: ALANICKA LOTRIET
